Prior to having a child I thought I understood, at least to some level, how it feels to have severe lack of sleep. From being a summer camp counselor where the only sleep I'd really get was an afternoon nap on Saturdays to when I was in college working full time while taking a full class load, I thought I had a good handle on what it's like to be without sleep. However, I forgot several key elements that make a parent's lack of sleep much, much worse than any camp counselor or college student.
Before, when I was suffering from lack of sleep, I could comfort myself with the thought of the summer ending or a upcoming holiday break. There was always an end in sight. A parent doesn't get such luxuries. A camp counselor and college student are not repeatedly woken up at random hours of the night and required to get up to change and feed a small infant and then still have to function like a normal person throughout the day.
Lack of sleep is hard no matter what kind it is. But when I am woken up at 2am for the 4th time already that night I sometimes feel as though I might never survive. How do parents do this and seem perfectly normal every day? I always imagined myself to be one of those super moms who can keep up the house, have a nice meal prepared when the husband comes home, be involved in lots of activities, and look nice at any given moment. I laugh at the thought now - if I manage to get even one of those things done I consider it a huge success.
My son is 5 months old now and he still doesn't sleep well; which means I don't sleep either. There are nights when he's up and its only been an hour since I laid him down. Nights like that make me want to give up. I just want to ignore his cries and just sleep. There are times when I am nursing him that I feel myself repeatedly starting to nod off and I wonder if I am going to be able to safely carry him to his bed. There are times I just want to bury my head in a pill and cry from exhaustion. There are times when I feel angry that I have to get up for the 5th time that night.
Sometimes the lack of sleep creates an illusion of hopelessness. Everyone tells me that someday it will get better but that someday is so far away it is impossible to see. As the lack of sleep continues I begin to feel delirious and no longer in my right mind. I think I might literally go crazy and I wonder how I will survive.
But then, my son looks up at me with those big blue eyes that sparkle as he gives me one of the biggest grins and I know why I have to trudge on. I know that despite all the hard work and no sleep his total existence depends on me and he is worth every effort and exhausting night.
I don't know when the feeling of sanity will return or when I will be able to get a good night's sleep and be able to get the house clean but what I do know is that I wouldn't change any of it for the world. My heart is full and I feel privileged to have the job of taking care of this little person. Yes, my heart is full.
